Reflections on Mother's Day

Brian pointed out to me this morning that this was my fourth mother's day as a mom. Wow! I actually have one kid per year too. It was very cute. He got me a card from each girl so I had 5 cards to open this morning. He learned his lesson after I was so sad about not getting any birthday cards.

I am currently spending my Mother's Day at Panera so I can enjoy some quiet and get some work done. Seems kind of strange to me, almost like I should want to spend the day with the girls enjoying being a mom, but after this morning full of cranky, crabby, and wild girls, I was all too ready to escape.

This leads me to the current dilema or confusion I have been having. I love my girls more than anything and I still smile when they smile. I love doing things with them like playing in the yard or singing "Wheels on the Bus." I don't love being with them all of the time though. I miss work. I miss being around adults, and I miss feeling like there is more to me than being mommy. I know I am fortunate that I can work from home and that I can be with them, but sometimes I want more. Does this make me selfish? Maybe. Does this make me wise? Maybe. Does this make me a bad mom? I don't think so.

I will continue to grapple with this I know for a long time. Where is the line between me and being a mom? How much do I have to give of myself or better yet, how much am I allowed to take for myself? I will let you know when I figure out the answer.

On a lighter note though, here are the things I love most about my girls:

Anna--so funny, so bright, so imaginative, so creative, knows her own mind

Sarah--so goofy, so quick to laugh, so loving

Lucy--can be so silly, yet so serious, loves to read, makes the funniest faces, knows what she wants and will get it

Emily--so sweet, smiles so easily, tries so hard to keep up with her sisters, so cuddly

A year Later

Now (above)
Then (below)

So I took a year off from blogging, but am feeling compelled to write again. Not so much about the girls and what they are doing, although that is extrememly fascinating, but more about me and how I am doing. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that gives me time and space to think about this crazy life I am living. In the meantime though, I would like to recap the last year.

As you can see from the pictures they have all grown--A LOT! Sarah and Lucy are walking and most of the time running all over the place. Emily is catching up and her PT seems to be helping. Even though she doesn't walk she gets around just fine and is quite the climber.

Anna is even more like herself--I think that is the best way to put it. She is funny, sweet, dramatic, emotional, silly, attention seeking, demanding, bosy, helpful, and fun. She only wants to wear dresses now and loves all things girly. At the same time though she plays in the dirt. She has quite the imagination.

Now for me...a year ago my mom was getting ready to leave and I was faced with this new life on my own. I was scared and sad, but trying to be greatful for all that we had. I knew I wanted to graduate at some point, but it seemed more and more like a pipedream. I put on a good face, few people knew how out of control life seemed for me. It wasn't like I was never happy, I just felt so stuck.

Fast forward to now. I am tired and exhausted and often frustrated, but I am also enjoying my girls. I have started work on my dissertation and have loved meeting other moms who had preemies and multiples. I still teach online and will be teaching one class in the fall. I have good and bad days, but overall I have come to see this as my/our life. Very rarely do I go back and imagine how things could have been. Instead I marvel at how things are. I have learned that I have to get away to do my best work as well as for my own sanity. I am just not one of those moms who can be home all day every day.

I have thought a lot the last year and learned a lot and heard a lot from others, and that is why I want to blog, so I can share that.